her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize