You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
