its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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