If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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