FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
