that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
