Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
