Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Found your dick twin last night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
