soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
