You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
