Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
