I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
