remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize