Your face is a jimmy john
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm having to shit out rocks
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