im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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