I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
