he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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