My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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