how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
