if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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