Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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