i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
