I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
