I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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