through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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