I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
