You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
