what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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