She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
