What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
