WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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