I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
