how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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