How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
