You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
