new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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