I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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