I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Randomize
