So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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