Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
