I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
