Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
