Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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