Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
