dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm passing your future prison.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Mom said you looked used
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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