it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
