Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My dick has a subreddit
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
