He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
