I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
