I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
