she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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