Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
