even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
