the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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