If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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