end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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