According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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