I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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