In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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