you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
