The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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