What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I need a beard to bite.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
