i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
