a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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