Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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