You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
