Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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