I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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