It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
two words: eviction party
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
