One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
