Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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