You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
