dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
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