I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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