i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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