bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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